Calories

Emma: this has 60 calories
Mommy: are you counting calories?
Emma: no... it says here "60 calories."

TOASTY!!!

Emma: daddy, what will you be after you die?
Me: uh.. uh...what?
Emma: like,  do you want to be crispy or buried?
Me: did you say crispy?
Emma: yeah like created.
Me: cremated?
Emma: yeah,  crispy.

Metaphysical pre-k

Emma: my friends keep saying aliens aren't real but I believe in them.
Me: well that's one of those things they can't prove one way or another.   I mean,  they haven't been everywhere in the universe,  have they?
Emma: exactly! What if I told them God isn't real.

Hiccups

Me: ow. My hiccups hurt
Mommy: you have to scare daddy
The kid(whispering in my ear): daddy... you're going to be a grandpa.

Kid: 1, Hiccups: 0

My kid thinks I'm an idiot

"Daddy, you remind me of when I couldn't read."

Completely inappropriate

Emma:  "wiener wiener, I'm not talking about penis, I'm talking about hot dogs, wiener wiener."

Metaphysical Juice Box

Emma: *coughcoughsputtercough*

Me: honey, are you okay? Did it go down the wrong way?

Emma: no, it went down my...soul