You're a mean one

"I'm done being nice to you."
Emma: you're not going to be nice anymore?
"Nope,  I'm going to be mean, like the grinch."
Emma: well, don't steal Christmas!

Wagging my eyes

Me: why are you arguing with me right now?

Emma: I'm NOT wagging my eyes!

Me: I didn't say wagging your eyes...

Emma: well, I don't know what arguing is!

Angry Emma

She stacked a bunch of pillowpets on the couch and was launching into them.

Me: honey we don't play on the couch like that.
Me: honey stop jumping on the couch.
Emma: but daddy, I'm an angry bird.

Knife!

As I was putting dishes away, Emma runs away yelling, "knife! Knife! Are you going to cut me?  I'm an apple!"

Blindness

Mommy: do you know what blind is?
Emma: no
Mommy: blind is when you can't see anything.
Emma: like this? (closes eyes)
Mommy: well, blind people can't see anything even after they open their eyes.
Emma: like daddy!

Close, but no...

She's catching on...

Emma: "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
Mommy: "We'll talk about it a little later honey."
......One hour passes.............
Emma: "Mommy, it's later now. Do you still not want to tell me?"

Adult Cereal

Me: What kind of cereal do you want?

Emma: porn cops.

Catching up on Emmisms

Yesterday, I was talking to Emma on the phone while driving home. When I got there she looked at me and said, "daddy, you not mad at the cars anymore?"
July 1, 2010 at 11:52am via Facebook Mobile

I told my kid I wanted to compete in Ninja Warrior. When I asked her if I could win, she said "no, you going to fall in the water."

Emma just described to me how a boy at school took the thing off her leg and threw it when she got married.
October 5, 2010 at 9:03pm via Facebook Mobile

Emma just saw Sulu on tv, looked at me, and said "It's your daddy!"
October 14, 2010 at 8:43pm via Facebook Mobile ·

Whenever I have no idea what Emma is talking about I just say "okay". I wonder what insane things I have agreed to.
November 14, 2010 at 2:40pm via Facebook Mobile ·

me: "He lives at the North Pole."
Emma: "He lives in Florida."
me: "Santa Claus does not live in Florida!"
November 15, 2010 at 8:46pm via Facebook Mobile ·

Emma staggered into her class today, arms outstretched, saying, "Braaaaaaaiiiinnnnssss."
November 30, 2010 at 12:01pm via Facebook Mobile ·

Emma only wanted to hear songs with girls singing, but none were on the radio. So, we compromised and listened to Smashing Pumpkins.
December 18, 2010 at 1:01pm via Facebook Mobile ·

‎"Hey! When you move out and get your own place, you can color with as many crayons as you want. For now, you live under daddy's roof and you color with one crayon at a time."
Being a parent has destroyed my ability to make a logical argument.
January 5 at 7:31pm via Facebook Mobile ·

‎"My daddy's breath smells bad. Because he's old."
Thanks Emma. Thanks.
February 4 at 8:46pm via Facebook Mobile ·

"Daddy!"
"What?"
"Yellow light means slow down!"
"Sorry..."
February 26 at 2:30pm via Facebook Mobile ·

‎"when I turn five, my birthday will be a wedding party."
What? Who's getting married?
"me and lukie"
-groan- I don't know what you see in him. Does he have a plan? Where will you live? Does he know how he will support you?
"no..."
Ok Emma, if lukie wants to marry you, he has to ask me for permission, and I have to say yes.
"but, I have lukie's dreams. And he had my dreams. We share our dreams."
February 27 at 9:50pm via Facebook Mobile ·

‎"Daddy, are you going fast?"
"yes..."
"No. If you go fast, you will get a ticket."
April 23 at 8:31pm via Facebook Mobile ·

Emma: "It was not on purpose. And it was not on accident. It was just funny."
April 29 at 6:38pm via Facebook Mobile ·

Emma: "daddy"
Me: "yes?"
Emma: "me and will were falling in love today"
Me: /sigh
June 15 at 6:55pm via Facebook Mobile ·

‎"Dad how do you like crunchy music?"
You mean why do I like country music?
"yeah"
July 2 at 12:03pm via Facebook Mobile ·

Emma: where do babies come from?
Erika: where do you think they come from?
Emma: your tummy!
Erika: that's right. Now finish eating.
Emma: but... Where are the babies when they choose you to be your baby
Erika: ............................
July 15 at 7:06pm via Facebook Mobile ·

Me: honey, we can't watch this
Emma: but I like sharks that eat people
Me: this is why you have dreams about sharks eating you!
Emma: I didn't have one this morning...
July 31 at 3:47pm via Facebook Mobile ·