My kid thinks I'm an idiot

"Daddy, you remind me of when I couldn't read."

Completely inappropriate

Emma:  "wiener wiener, I'm not talking about penis, I'm talking about hot dogs, wiener wiener."

Metaphysical Juice Box

Emma: *coughcoughsputtercough*

Me: honey, are you okay? Did it go down the wrong way?

Emma: no, it went down my...soul

You're a mean one

"I'm done being nice to you."
Emma: you're not going to be nice anymore?
"Nope,  I'm going to be mean, like the grinch."
Emma: well, don't steal Christmas!

Wagging my eyes

Me: why are you arguing with me right now?

Emma: I'm NOT wagging my eyes!

Me: I didn't say wagging your eyes...

Emma: well, I don't know what arguing is!

Angry Emma

She stacked a bunch of pillowpets on the couch and was launching into them.

Me: honey we don't play on the couch like that.
Me: honey stop jumping on the couch.
Emma: but daddy, I'm an angry bird.

Knife!

As I was putting dishes away, Emma runs away yelling, "knife! Knife! Are you going to cut me?  I'm an apple!"